Working Through Pain…

(FreeImages.com/GavinWood)

As I was wrestling through the events in my own life and an event that happened last night, a few more truths were revealed that I wanted to share.  Enjoy or be challenged (in a good way).

When there is a battle within that you have not fought and won, you will always have a misapplication of that tension.

Because of that tension, you will fight battles that you were not called to fight or fight them in the wrong way.  (For example battling parents, siblings, teachers, friends, etc…)

Even a lot of video games will give opportunity to reveal this battle.  One of the main attractions to video games with continual battle scenes is the euphoria of feeling victorious.

We are called to be victorious, but we will make an idol of the fight — specifically the fake ones that provide us with relatively easy wins — when we feel that we can’t win the real battles.

Let me repeat that.

By taking easy wins, we hope to avoid the battles we feel we can’t win (the real ones).

One of the biggest obstructions to our healing is the fact that to heal from the pain, you often have to face the pain.  You have to face the pain, acknowledge the hurt, recognize any lies that have attached themselves to the painful event, and then be willing to release the pain.

Especially guys won’t deal with pain because they feel that acknowledging it makes them weak.

Vulnerability feels like weakness.

Because many offenders have taken advantage of vulnerability to wound us, we become programmed to the lie that all vulnerability is dangerous because it equals weakness.  The key here is the word all.

It takes great courage to face your own pain, sin, and finally be able to confront the lies that attach themselves to the pain.  It takes courage to grieve the losses and the hurts.  It takes courage to face the fears: fear of failure, fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment.  It takes courage most of all to face your own failures and sins — your own wrong judgments.

It’s so much easier to see everyone else’s faults and to call them out.  This is why we become hyper-sensitive to the weaknesses and mistakes of others.  The root we have neglected to deal with is our own junk.  We are using our own guilt to judge another as guilty.

At the root of judgmentalism is misplaced guilt or fear.

To walk free of the pain, you have to be willing to release it.  Strangely enough, as much as we hate the pain, we often have a love-hate of it.  Over time when pain is what we have always known, we begin to forge wrong identities and worth around our pain.

By mentioning the need to release pain, I am not saying we rush into this stage and that we are immediately ready to release it.  I am not saying it’s your fault if you are feeling pain.

I am simply saying that at some point, you will need to release the pain in order to walk free from it.

I have had to leave some Facebook support groups for this very reason.  It became obvious to me that by staying in that environment, I was constantly being dragged back into the muck.  For a time, it was healthy to be able to recognize the pain and the reality of my experience; but staying there became unhealthy for my eventual growth and healing.

Can I encourage you with this: as much as it is painful to work towards your healing, healing is possible.  It is possible to finally reach peace regarding your past.

Depending on where you are on your journey, I know that referring to healing can actually be painful to read.

I remember when I was nursing my first child, and I was dealing with constant pain from thrush and other issues.  I remember when my mom tried to encourage me by saying that nursing can be such a bonding experience.  Because of where I was at the time, I remember snapping at her.  The thought of someone calling my experience “good,” when it was so painful at the time, was offensive to me.  Over time, my body finally healed, my child and I made adjustments, and I finally did experience the bond that my mother had mentioned.

When we are in pain, it’s hard to see past our own pain to healing on the other side.  In fact, when you are in pain, somehow healing and freedom sound like more pain.  The promise of healing seems to emphasize all the more the reality of the pain with which you are presently dealing and the hopelessness you are feeling.

Try to be patient with yourself.

Healing is not typically instantaneous.   There are stages to our healing and even layers to it.

Just know that your healing is worth the investment.

Letting Go of Shame…

(FreeImages.com/DavidSimmonds)

How is it possible that a Christian woman who strove to live her whole life to follow Jesus and who could write a research paper and preach countless sermons on the grace and salvation of Christ could not seem to let go of shame?

It does not matter whether the shame was over some major sin or whether it was over feelings of inadequacy and the failure to live up to a standard of perfection.  All that matters is when you feel overwhelmed by shame — when its weight seeks to crush your soul.

Have you ever cried out repeatedly for this burden to be removed, had people pray with you over the burden, and been able to name it and its cause but still not been able to let go of it?

Sometimes, the greatest challenge of a Christian is not in knowing the truth because we often know it; it’s in the living it out — the believing it.  As I have written in countless blogs over the years, what we believe is actually what we live — not what we profess with our mouths but what we profess with our lives.

I remember that Sunday, worshiping the Lord — my heart overwhelmed by His Presence.  Within that atmosphere of the holy awe of God, He began to speak to me.  What I first saw with my spiritual eyes was Jesus holding out His hands to me.  I then “heard” (in my heart) Him speak to me: “[my name], are you not tired of carrying your pain?”

I had grieved plenty for my sin.  It was not a question of repentance.  A wise friend pointed out to me that I seemed to feel like I had to really grieve — to really prove my repentance.  She recognized that I was putting the work of forgiveness back on myself — by my ability to repent or the measure of my repentance.  Subconsciously, I was thinking that somehow I had to reach some high standard of repentance before I could be free.  Of course, I new theologically this is not true, but what I knew did not matter as much as what I actually believed and lived.

I was trapped by my shame — overwhelmed by the pain of my imperfections.  The only thing good enough was perfection to me, and I could never measure up.  In fact, I failed abysmally at this standard and thus walked with crushing shame.  The crazy thing is I knew the truths behind all this!  I knew not to idolize perfection, and in fact, I had experienced breakthrough in this area before.  The thing is, I still had more breakthrough.  I still had an area where I could not experience freedom because I was still not ready to let go.

I thought I was ready.  I cried out to God for release from this burden on several occasions, but I did not understand the root of my bondage until Holy Spirit revealed it to me.  That Sunday when He showed me His hands and asked me if I was tired of carrying the pain, He showed me that I was carrying the pain of my failures because I was trying to punish myself.  

When there is an area where we cannot seem to walk in victory, there is always going to be a lie at the root of it and often an area of pride surrounding this.  Why do I say this?

1. Because truth overcomes: “… and the truth will set you free.”  
2. Because pride sets us in opposition or resistance to the work of the Holy Spirit and to the work of grace (God’s power and righteousness made available to us) within our lives.  “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.”  

If you are struggling in an area of consistent failure, ask yourself what the lie is or where there is pride attached to that area.

Without realizing it, I was trying to “serve penance” for my failures by holding onto my shame.  I wanted punishment so I refused to let go of my guilt.  This was all happening without me even realizing this is what I was actually thinking and that this was truly at the root of my problem.

Pride was all over this.  Pride will always cause you to resist forgiveness, grace, freedom, and the kindness and goodness of God and others.  Pride is independence at its heart and the desire to be your own savior, your own protector, your own provider, your own perfection.  It will lead to this odd combination of hating yourself because you are unable to measure up to your own standards of perfection and yet operating independently from God and others.

Note: Independence from God and others is often related to the mistrust of God and others.  That mistrust often stems from hurts experienced.  Lies entered our minds on the heels of that trauma, and we accepted those lies in our pain and confusion.

Once I was finally ready to truly let go of my shame, I was able to simply surrender it to Jesus.  As simply as that, He took the shame and pain from me — never for me to see the shame and my failures again.  Instead, what He spoke to my heart was that He would bring “beauty from ashes” and that He would redeem it all.  Someday, He would show me what He had forged from the ashes.

Friend, I know that I was led to write this today because someone is reading this today who needs to be set free from an area of failure.  I don’t care how big or how small the failure is, the only way to be free is to be set free.  “Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.”

When The Hard Questions Abound…

(FreeImages.com/PontusEdenberg)

Two close friends and I sat, cross-legged on the floor, drinking tea… comfortable enough to ask some hard questions. The questions went like this: “If God is both good and Sovereign, why do we see such evil in this world?” It’s a question that lingers in a lot our minds when we see the depths of evil that shatter our innocence and the sweet idyllism of youth.

These friends and I have come to know our God personally, and we know Him enough to know that He is good. We have seen His power, and we know He isn’t weak. So, why evil?

While sipping the comfort of the tea and gazing at the love-filled eyes of these dear friends/sisters, it struck me!  We look at this so wrong so often.

There are two parts to the answer: one is that God has chosen to give us free will. I see this over and over again. Love gives the freedom to choose. Anything forced or manipulated is not true love. With the ability to choose means that evil will exist.

The fact that we see both good and evil in this world demonstrates that there are two forces at work in this world: the force of evil and the force of good. I believe intrinsically we all know this, and our sub-conscious reflects this in movies and books.

What struck me though while listening to this discussion is we wonder why there is evil if God is all-powerful and all-good when in reality we should wonder why there is any good in this world except there be a good God?

The fact that there are examples of sacrificial love, faith, hope, true joy, true peace, generosity, and selflessness indicates that there is present a God who is good — Whose influence permeates this world from falling beyond hope and from yielding completely to the baser elements of evil.

God is Sovereign and God in His sovereignty chooses to allow free will.  Why?  I believe it’s because “wills” are important to Him.  God wants us to exert our wills to respond to Him.  He wants us to exert our wills to surrender to His loving and all-wise guidance.  God woos us for this purpose.

We should not be shocked there is evil in this world — rather we should be amazed that there is good, life, and how many times we are protected and bad things don’t happen.  A world left to itself would only portray death.  It would be a base world where only the strongest, smartest, and most charming survive.  It would be a world where selfishness dominates — where people are only as valuable as they are useful or “usable.”

God though doesn’t operate that way.  He loves the unlovely.  He forgives the “unforgivable.”  He redeems the “useless.”  He takes the ugly and makes it beautiful.

In the end, evil finally will be obliterated.  God’s justice will prevail, and the baser elements, the suffering, the anguish, the pain, the evil will be removed.  Why?

Because love always triumphs over evil, and truth always trumps the lie.  The day is coming!

The time we have now is a gift — a gift to respond to a God who is love, truth, and just!  The choice is ours!

I choose Him.  What about you?

Healing For Our Brokenness

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When it feels like the wounds from our past will never heal..  When we look in the mirror and see the haunted eyes of a victim staring back at us…  When each time we hear a news article that speaks of a similar situation to our own painful past feels like it has re-opened old wounds…  When we wonder if we will ever be anything other than wounded and hurting…

Today, I was just reading in my devotional, Men & Women Of The Bible, the story of the life of Jairus.

Luke 8:40-56

⁴⁰ And it came to pass, that, when Jesus was returned, the people gladly received him: for they were all waiting for him.

⁴¹ And, behold, there came a man named Jairus, and he was a ruler of the synagogue: and he fell down at Jesus’ feet, and besought him that he would come into his house:

⁴² For he had one only daughter, about twelve years of age, and she lay a dying. But as he went the people thronged him.

⁴³ And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,

⁴⁴ Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

⁴⁵ And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

⁴⁶ And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

⁴⁷ And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

⁴⁸ And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

⁴⁹ While he yet spake, there cometh one from the ruler of the synagogue’s house, saying to him, Thy daughter is dead; trouble not the Master.

⁵⁰ But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole.

⁵¹ And when he came into the house, he suffered no man to go in, save Peter, and James, and John, and the father and the mother of the maiden.

⁵² And all wept, and bewailed her: but he said, Weep not; she is not dead, but sleepeth.

⁵³ And they laughed him to scorn, knowing that she was dead.

⁵⁴ And he put them all out, and took her by the hand, and called, saying, Maid, arise.

⁵⁵ And her spirit came again, and she arose straightway: and he commanded to give her meat.

⁵⁶ And her parents were astonished: but he charged them that they should tell no man what was done.

The devotional summarized the story of Jairus with these words:

“The words Jesus spoke to Jairus — ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe’ — ought to echo frequently in our hearts.  Fear can make for a hopeless outlook, but trust in God keeps hope alive.  Those who trust in God often find they get back what they thought they had lost.”

I love the summary that those who trust in God often find they get back what they thought they had lost.

I also love the part that tells another story within the story of Jairus.  It is the story of the woman who had suffered for 12 years from a disease.  This woman knew Jesus could heal her so she reached out and touched His garment.

I find it interesting that Jesus’ power to heal her acted it seems of its own volition.  That verse is curious to me.

The verse states that some of His “virtue” left Him to heal her.  She reached, and she received.

Jairus also had a “hopeless” situation.  While he was waiting for Jesus to finally get to his house, Jairus received news that his daughter had already died.

Then there’s the story of Lazarus in the Bible.

John 11 :1-44

11 Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha.

² (It was that Mary which anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.)

³ Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.

⁴ When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

⁵ Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.

⁶ When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.

⁷ Then after that saith he to his disciples, Let us go into Judaea again.

⁸ His disciples say unto him, Master, the Jews of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again?

⁹ Jesus answered, Are there not twelve hours in the day? If any man walk in the day, he stumbleth not, because he seeth the light of this world.

¹⁰ But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him.

¹¹ These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep.

¹² Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall do well.

¹³ Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.

¹⁴ Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.

¹⁵ And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him.

¹⁶ Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellowdisciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him.

¹⁷ Then when Jesus came, he found that he had lain in the grave four days already.

¹⁸ Now Bethany was nigh unto Jerusalem, about fifteen furlongs off:

¹⁹ And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.

²⁰ Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met him: but Mary sat still in the house.

²¹ Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

²² But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.

²³ Jesus saith unto her, Thy brother shall rise again.

²⁴ Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day.

²⁵ Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:

²⁶ And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

²⁷ She saith unto him, Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God, which should come into the world.

²⁸ And when she had so said, she went her way, and called Mary her sister secretly, saying, The Master is come, and calleth for thee.

²⁹ As soon as she heard that, she arose quickly, and came unto him.

³⁰ Now Jesus was not yet come into the town, but was in that place where Martha met him.

³¹ The Jews then which were with her in the house, and comforted her, when they saw Mary, that she rose up hastily and went out, followed her, saying, She goeth unto the grave to weep there.

³² Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

³³ When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.

³⁴ And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!

³⁷ And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?

³⁸ Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it.

³⁹ Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

⁴⁰ Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?

⁴¹ Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.

⁴² And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me.

⁴³ And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

⁴⁴ And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with grave clothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

Doesn’t that sound like so many of us?  It appears like God is absent, late, or even worse present and uncaring.  In each of the above situations, people were suffering.  In all three cases, the end result was God did bring good to them.  He restored what had been lost to them. 

The shortest verse in the Bible is found in the story of Lazarus.  It is those two profound words, “Jesus wept.”  Two simple words that communicate so much.  Jesus wasn’t unfeeling.  He wasn’t ignoring the pain and the hurts.

Perhaps today, you are reading this with tears streaming down your eyes, asking Jesus, “Will this pain never end?”  Perhaps, you are reading this, angry, because it looks like another “feel-good” message that doesn’t seem to have any relevance to your life today.  Perhaps, you are questioning how this can change your past.

I do not claim to hold all the answers for you.  In fact, it would be arrogant for me to presume upon God’s role as comforter in your life.  What I do know is this…

I know that God is a loving God and that He personally loves you.

I know that God is a healing God, and that He can heal you from even the deepest hurts and wounds.

I know that God brings beauty out of ashes.

I know that God can take a victim and make you a victorious overcomer.

I know that your past doesn’t need to define your present.

I know that He can restore what was taken from you with something far better.

Dear sister or brother in Christ, will you take all of those hurts and all of those wounds and will you hand them to Him?  Are you willing to reach out to Him?  His very nature is such that when you reach out for His healing, His healing power immediately responds.

Reach out and receive.

You can be a new and “present work” of His grace and power living out in your life.

PLUMB LYRICS

“Restored”

All the fear
All the bitter
Has disappeared
It’s just a vapor now
All the shame
All the broken
That should be here
Has all left me now
I have been made wholeMy heart is so full
My cup overflows
What once was so fractured has been
Restored
And you overcome
All I cannot
No matter how fractured
No matter whatAll the dark
All the distance
Has disappeared
It’s just a vapor now
All the hurt
All the hatred
That should be here
Has all left me now
I have been made whole

My heart is so full
My cup overflows
What once was so fractured has been
Restored
And you overcome
All I cannot
No matter how fractured
No matter what

Oh hallelujah
I’ve been made whole
What once was fractured
Has been restored
Oh hallelujah
I’ve been made whole
What once was fractured
Has been restored

My heart is so full
My cup overflows
What once was so fractured has been
Restored
And you overcome
All I cannot
No matter how fractured
No matter what

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

Broken Honesty

Crazy!  I know.  It’s 5:06 a.m., and here I sit blogging.  There was a lot on my mind, and my adrenaline was pumping so I figured, why not?  It’s been awhile.  So many changes and big things and little things have happened since I last wrote about my life.  So, here’s the long and short of it…

It all starts in February — well actually in January…  In February, my husband and I attended a conference.  At the conference, the Lord did a huge work in my life to bring needed-revival to my heart.  I felt more alive than I had in a very long time!

During that conference, I told my husband I had this odd feeling that we were going to get pregnant.  (Didn’t realize I already was at the time.)  Now, I knew the timing of everything, and I knew it would be even more of a miracle than pregnancy normally is.  So, I forgot about that… for awhile.

In February, we also celebrated a big birthday for me!  I’ll keep you guessing on what age that might be.  🙂  Definitely older than 21…!  I also had a large group of ladies for a visit to celebrate the special occasion.  The morning of the party, I took a pregnancy test because I knew that something was off…  With wonder, I gazed at the two lines that appeared in the window of the pregnancy test and realized that I was indeed pregnant!  And pregnant with my fifth!!!!

Among my conservative homeschooling buddies, a family of five is not big at all — might even be considered small.  But, among the rest of my friends and acquaintances…  five is a LOT!

The next four months would find me battling the fun of pregnancy woes and discomforts and all-out sickness.  Plus, during the entire month of April, my family battled a re-occurring bout of the stomach bug.  Someone or some of us were vomiting every week.  You talk about piles of laundry and disgusting bathroom messes!

Then in April, I was diagnosed with Subchorionic Hematoma.  I was put on a form of bed-rest.  I was not allowed to do laundry, grocery shopping, lifting anything considered heavy, vacuuming, cooking anything beyond simple meals, weeding, washing my floors, etc…  During that time, my husband also had to work crazy hours.  Did I mention he was also sent away on a business trip while I was on bed-rest and the kids were vomiting?  Crazy?!!! You betcha!

In the midst of all the craziness, God was still so good!!!!  My parents helped with transporting kids to and from school, my mom went on a field trip with my one son, a friend came and brought groceries and also cleaned my house, my precious husband came home late at night to do laundry and trash, and some friends brought meals over the next few weeks of bed-rest.  Talk about feeling loved and blessed!

By week 14, I finally got the all-clear sign to resume most of my normal activities.  I still had the hematoma, but it was half the original size.

A few weeks later, I am enjoying seeing my house resume a somewhat normal state.  I still struggle to keep up since the dirt piles up and in as fast as I sweep and carry it out.  My husband appreciates having me “back” again, and I am thankful to at least remove my responsibilities off his busy schedule.

Oh, yeah, and I am up now because my husband was never able to come home last night as he had so much work to do at the office he had to work through the night.  Oh, and did I mention that the lovely meal I made for dinner this weekend I forgot to put in the fridge last night after letting it cool down?  Ugh.  The stuff of life…

So, you might wonder why I am telling you all of this.  Why would I share all my dirty and depressing stuff with you?  After-all, you have your own dirty and depressing details at times.

I share this with you because, friends, I get it.  I know what it is like at times to see an ugly house, to be ugly, and to have ugly kids.  Because life sometimes does stink.  There, I admitted it.  I say this not to glory in the ugliness, but to admit and therefore begin the process of transformation.

You, see.  Sometimes, we are so busy pretending to be strong and perfect and beautiful that we really aren’t so much.  We put on the happy faces and say the “right” words.  We urge others to do so.  We shy away from the ugly, uncomfortable, sinful, and suffering.  We surround ourselves with everything bright, beautiful, fragrant, pleasant, godly, “perfect.”

The question is, “Why is that?”

This is what struck me.  Do we shy from the broken people and things in life because we are so broken ourselves we can’t handle anyone else’s brokenness?

I think of Jesus.  He especially visited the broken people.  He sought out the sinful, the suffering, and the sad.  In fact, the perhaps surprising thing is they seemed to be His priority — not the religious and beautiful and elite. 

1. Matthew 9:13

But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Luke 5:32

I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

 

“Whole” people are able to deal with broken people.  Broken people may have friends that are broken, but they can’t handle much of the others’ brokenness.  Broken people want to share their brokenness, but they don’t want to share yours.

 

As Christians, this is where it gets really important to grasp it.  So often, in our churches, we find it awkward to deal with the drug-addicted individual, the affair-ridden marriage, the unwed teenage mother, the unruly children, the exhausted young mother who might need to vent that morning, the broken people.

 

In fact, how many of us have either heard or said to someone else that they need to just be a good testimony and not say anything negative?  How many times do people ask how you are doing but get that glazed look and quickly lose interest if you begin to share anything beyond the chipper “Fine or Great!”?

 

We put on our happy faces, but the fact is so many people are hurting.  I have friends whose parents are battling terminal cancer, who are going for tests because they too might have cancer, whose children are sickly, who are fighting sleep-deprivation with a newborn and screaming toddlers and who wonder if they will keep their sanity for the next few minutes.  You see, that is life.

 

Life is ugly and smelly and depressing at times.  It is full of sin and sadness and suffering.

 

And yes, thankfully, it is also full of beauty, grace, and light that filters in through those cracks of brokenness!

 

In order to see the beauty and light and to experience the grace, we must first recognize the ugliness and our own brokenness.  You see, we are broken.  You and I?  We are all broken!  We all struggle with the ugly.  So, why do we pretend to be so strong?  Why do we think we can just hold it all together and put on that pretty facade? 

 

The truth is our strength is limited, and it will let us down.  The truth is our kids, our spouses, our friends will let us down.  The truth is sickness and suffering will come.  The truth is most of us will face death eventually. 

 

But, friends, that isn’t the end!!!  That is what Jesus came to show.  He came to reveal to us our own brokenness so we could get “fixed.”  He came to show us our own blind darkness so we could see true light.  He came to show us the ugliness so we could find His beauty.

 

We are broken, but we can be healed!  When true healing occurs, we can then have something genuine to offer to all those other broken people.

 

Christians, of all people, should not shy from the ugly and broken because we should have something of true substance to offer!  We should have the Solution that goes beyond a temporary, outward transformation to an inner reformation.  Jesus came to not offer empty platitudes but to bring a total transformation, complete redemption!

 

Dear young mommies, it’s okay to acknowledge your weakness today.  It’s okay to have a good cry.  You don’t have to be strong.  You just need to look to Him Who is Strong!

 

Dear friends, whose parents are fighting terminal cancer, it’s okay to admit you are scared and worried and concerned and exhausted because you have a God who does care and who will comfort you!

 

Dear parents, who have no idea if your rebellious teenager will ever repent and turn to the Lord, it’s okay to be concerned and to cry buckets because your God does hear your heart’s cries!  And, He cares for your children even more than you do!

 

Dear expectant mom, who is extremely miserable and can’t wait for the new baby to be born, it is okay to admit you are tired and miserable and can’t wait to hold your new baby because your Heavenly Father can’t wait to see your joy too when you hold this new blessing from Him!  He knows, girls, and He cares.

 

Dear single, it’s okay to admit you are lonely because you have a God who promises to be a “husband” to those without.  He will love you like no other, and He never forsakes you.  No never!

 

To all of you fellow broken people, it is okay to admit that you are struggling, that your kids aren’t perfect, that some days are plain rough.  You have a God Who is big enough to handle any and all of life’s conundrums and to not just handle them but to transform them, to bring beauty from ashes and light to shine into the cracks of our brokenness!

“Freeze Frames of Thanks”

I recently read a quote that I just love in one of my favorite books, One Thousand Gifts: “…unfolding of a chronicle of grace, our life story in freeze frames of thanks.”  I loved the metaphor!

Just as a camera zooms and then focuses in on a moment of life and then captures it to preserve for future remembrance, so we too can train our hearts to focus in on each detail of life/those moments of grace and then capture them in “freeze frames of thanks.”

How do we capture these moments when life seems so fleeting?  How do we treasure and “freeze” these moments of grace to recall in future remembrance?

How do we even stop to savor, to touch, to breathe, to listen?

Another quote from the same book I previously referenced said, “…the busyness of your life leaving little room for the source of your life … God gives us time.  And who has time for God? …Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things … lie in the wake of all the rushing…  I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away … in our rushing … we break our own lives.  Haste makes waste … The hurry makes us hurt.  And maybe it is the hurt that drives us on?  …The longer I keep running, the longer the gash, and I drain, bleed away.  Hurry always empties the soul. …The real problem of life is never a lack of time.  The real problem of life — in my life — is lack of thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks — take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks — and He miraculously makes it more than enough. …I am mother-tired, but when my soul doth magnify, my time doth magnify. …when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down … it’s giving thanks to God… that multiplies the moments, time made enough.  I am thank-full.   I am time-full.”

So in these moments of real life, I seek to capture/to focus on each picture of grace — moments of grace that only a heart of thanksgiving can fully see.  It is this focus that captures, that magnifies the grace and then helps me to see its Source. 

What about all the pain too?  What about the sin?  What about my own sin?  Do I gloss over the pain, the tragedies, the darkness in my heart?  Again, the book I am reading wrote, “Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living. … in the vein and the visceral: life is loss.”  It’s true, isn’t it?!  The more my senses are amplified, the more I see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  Life isn’t just a “Pollyanna moment.”  It’s pregnant with both joy and pain.  Yet, this life is still a gift.  It is a measurement of my heart.  It is the only legacy I will “write.”

How do I reconcile the pain with the joy? 

Does the joy negate the pain?  No.  I believe the pain though can be the dark lines that contrast the beauty of the lighter colors.  In photography, it takes the perfect balance of light and darkness/contrasts to produce a replica of a moment in all its fullest beauty.  I feel the pain.  I see the pain.  Yet, to fully live, to fully love, I also see the joy and feel the joy.  I learn to “zoom in” on the minutest details of each moment of grace with a mind-set/heart-set of thanksgiving. 

With the “lens” of grace, I pause/I “weigh down” life’s moments with thanksgiving and feel the joy.  Here are just a few of those moments from me over the past few days:

103. Baby sleeping 8 hours straight

104. Husband letting me sleep in

105. Breakfast in bed

106.  Pattering of little feet across the floor below

107. Warm shower

108.  Baby kisses

109. Laundry tumbling in wash machine

113.  Fellowship with friends

120. Bills paid

125. Jonathan’s love note

127. Playing games with my boys

130. Pristine snow… freshly falling, blanketing the earth

143. Footprints in the snow

157. Warm, tapioca fluff

186. Heart-shaped Dunkin’ Donuts for everyone

191. My kids allowing me to sleep in

196. Dancing and singing with my kids in the driveway last night … doing the unexpected

198. Boys who still ask me to sit with them on Wednesday night song times

199. Boys who jostle me, trying to fit on my lap while I read stories

200. With laughter, watching my boys pull their sister around on a toy truck

202. Playing Checkers with Will

203. Personalized Valentine card from Husband

204. The little ways he romances me, like taking a straw wrapper to form my name

205. Newly-framed pictures of my family on walls

I am learning…  still learning, but this “heart-set” is helping me to see how each breath I take is full of grace!

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