Am I Still A Good Parent If I Messed Up?

 

“Am I still a good mother if I have messed up?”

Growing up, I dreamed of being a mother and raising many babies.  It truly was what I wanted.

I almost wrote, “It truly was all I wanted.”  It’s interesting how a simple defining word can change the meaning of a sentence.  Sometimes, I hear the timid apology in the middle of the sentence — the attempt to justify the fact that I can be content with simply being a mother.  Even, the word “simply” though is diminishing the impact and importance of the calling to be a mother.

As many mothers can testify, there is nothing simple about being a mom and raising children.  In fact, parenting will involve every part of you — physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

There is no job that has brought me to my knees as much as raising children — five people that I am responsible to help shape into whole, healthy individuals.

There is no job that requires me to be so selfless, so giving, so patient, so wise, so gracious, so humble, so forgiving, so creative, and so loving, above all else.

Then, you factor in that we are all still a process of God’s grace.  We still mess up at times.

When we mess up as moms, which we all do at times, the question some of us ask is, “Are we still a good mom?”

Most moms want to be the best mom to their kids.

It’s interesting how we complicate parenting  — how I complicate parenting…  There are definitely life skills my kids need to learn, but sometimes in the pressure of all the other details, I forget the most important two things my kids need above everything else: to be generously loved and to know how much God generously loves them.

I have a dear friend who is such a beautiful reminder of this truth just by how she lives.  Actually, I have two friends like that.  One mommy friend has seven children, but she wildly loves her children and lets them know that every. single. day.  My other friend has two kids, and I just love to hear how she speaks life and love into them every. single. day.  These two moms get it.  They don’t feel the pressure to run their kids to this activity and that activity.  Instead, they do things like let their kids play in the dirt, splash in rain puddles, cuddle with a pile of books, pet animals, and ride bikes.

Somehow, in our desire to be the best mom, we have so often turned parenting into a list of places to take our kids, activities to plan, and paid lessons for enhancement.  We spend our time chauffeuring our kids instead of actually engaging with our kids.

As a mother of older children, there is an adjustment that happens.  They do have more activities, and they don’t want to cuddle on our laps or play in dirt any more.  Yet, teens still need time just to sit and chat.

What our kids want more than anything else is our love.  

My one friend (I mentioned earlier) also wrote in her Instagram account, #kissingontheporchswing, that our kids also want to know they are liked and loved. 

I wonder if our constant driving from activity to activity is conveying the wrong message?  Does our busyness allow us to relationally connect with our kids?  Does our busyness somehow inadvertently convey to our kids the wrong message that somehow we don’t want to simply be with them?

It’s actually okay to simply like to be with our kids — not that there’s anything simple about it.  It’s that we are content with motherhood.  We are fulfilled in being a mother.

I am entering the autumn season of raising some of my kids, and I am feeling it.  I miss those days of playing in the rain with my now oldest kids, sledding down hills with my once-little boys, and watching them play for hours in the dirt and with bugs.  Those were wildly, crazy days — insanely exhausting and emotionally-depleting days.  Those were also days when my kids were happy with the simplest things.  Those were the days of sweet, innocent childhood and when all that my kids wanted was my love.

What happens though if we have not been always loving?  Are we still a good mom? There are some reading this who have truly messed up in big ways.  Your kids are now adults and expressing all their emotional baggage from the ways that maybe you messed up in your parenting.  Your heart aches for healing and the ability to forgive yourself.

I was struggling with this very question the other day because I am not the perfect mom.  I tried to be the perfect mom for so long, but that whole description is a false one.  There are no perfect parents.

Some of you don’t feel you are bad parents, but you wonder if you are a good parent.  “Am I a good mom?”  What defines good though in the sense of parenting?  There are some obvious good and bad parents, but what about the parents that are doing a lot right, trying their very best, mess up, fess up to their kids and to God, but still sometimes mess up?

I was asking God this question, and He spoke to my heart this truth: “Your children will be given the opportunity to experience my grace just like you have.”  In other words, God was telling me that just like God has given me His grace for the areas in which my parents were not perfect, He will also give my kids the grace to heal in the areas that I have failed them.  

The reality is that we all need grace.  We need to repent of our idols of perfection which are pride and fear-based, and we need to first recognize that we need Jesus.  We need His grace.  We need it for us and for our past wounds, and we need it for our kids.

Our kids need grace and need to see us live in the reality of grace — that it’s not perfection we idolize, but it’s grace that allows us to repent, to change, to forgive, and to release.  It’s grace that allows us to be okay with the healing process that God is doing within us.  We don’t want to stop or force the healing process before its ready because of our own impatience.  We don’t want to be in love with a “perfect work” instead of the Perfecter of our lives.

Jesus, alone, is Perfect.  True perfection is only righteous-based, and that is something Jesus alone can do within our lives.

…So, repent, release, forgive, and heal, but this is a work that only God can do in your life.  Let Him take control of your healing.

 

Homeschooling And Standing On The Right Legs

I remember those days…  I was a busy mom of three little boys, ages 3, 5, and 6!  Plus, I had a baby girl…, and I was homeschooling!

I enjoyed homeschooling and loved getting to be the one to teach my boys how to read.  I took them on field trips, taught them addition by using Little Fishies, which they then ate once they solved the problem.  We used sidewalk chalk to form groups of letters, and they had to jump on the group of letters that I called out (e.g.: “A’s,” “B’s,” and “E’s,” etc…).  We made letters from play-dough.  We even made letters from cookie dough and pretzel dough.  We used textbooks, played educational games, and enjoyed learning together.  The boys loved it, and I did too.

But…  It was so busy!  We finished school, and my daughter began to crawl that same month.  I really felt that I needed a break so the boys were enrolled in private school the following fall.  By then, I was pregnant with my fifth child, and I felt no pressure to return to homeschooling.

I remember struggling with the decision to put the kids in private school.  I had been raised in a strong homeschooling culture, most of my friends were homeschoolers, and I felt that I was somehow doing something wrong by not homeschooling.  I had to work through the gamut of emotions and finally be willing to do something different.

God was teaching me that He can’t be boxed in and neither can the way He leads me be kept to a rigid formula.

Fast forward a few years past that time, and I knew God was calling me to homeschool again.  I fought Him over that.  Yes, I admit, I “wrestled” in my heart with God over homeschooling.  It felt like I was being asked to return to those years of feeling like a failure because things were crazy, outside of my control.  Yes, I loved much about homeschooling, but it was never easy and never completely always under control (meaning put together perfectly and tied up in a beautiful package with a ribbon on top).

When I know God is calling me to do something and the decision is between obeying God or succumbing to my fears, I will normally choose obedience over my fears. 

In obedience, I pulled my child from private school and began to homeschool him (five years later from when I had first homeschooled him).  There were challenges, but overall, I really enjoyed the time to connect with my child.  I loved the talks we had, the sermons we enjoyed together, learning together, engaging in critical thinking discussions, and watching him regain confidence.

In fact, the experience was so positive that my husband and I decided to take a year to homeschool each child so they would each get that one-on-one time with Mom.

This year, I was on my third year of homeschooling one-on-one with a child and enjoying it, for the most part.

It’s a really, really long story, and this isn’t the time or place, but three weeks ago, we pulled our three kids from private school.  I am now homeschooling all five kids.

If you had asked me just a few months ago if I would homeschool all of my kids, I would have said, “No, that’s not for me.”  It’s amazing what I am willing to do when God is in it!

I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways He moved and how smoothly He worked things out so we were able to pull kids on a Friday and begin homeschooling them that Monday with everything necessary completed!

By Monday, our homeschool affidavit was notarized.  Course Objectives were done.  Medical forms were pulled and ready.  Dentist appointments were done that day!  All paper-work was turned into the school district on Monday.  Curriculum was bought.  Co-op classes were all registered.  Reading partners and helpers were scheduled.  Kids were added to my Wednesday Community Bible Study classes.  It all came together so quickly and smoothly, and I had such joy and peace that I knew it was all God!  Plus, for me to be willing to take this on was such a God thing!  I just shook my head and laughed at the audacity of God.  I am so glad that He loves to move me outside of my own boxes!

There are challenges in all of this, but one of the most important lessons that God had been teaching me prior to homeschooling all five was dying to my need to be sufficient.  Let me explain…

I was led to read the book Nothing To Prove by Jennie Allen.  The book is excellent and so full of truth!  It confirmed so much of what God had already been showing me and was just the encouragement I needed.

In her book, Nothing To Prove, Jennie Allen states that we don’t need to be sufficient and won’t because God is the only, all-sufficient One.

When I began to homeschool, I felt peace because I no longer stood on my own abilities.  I wasn’t attempting homeschooling because I thought I was perfect or could do better than anyone else.  I wasn’t homeschooling because I had a “Pollyanna” view of everyone sitting around the table, quietly working on school, while sweetly asking me what next they could study and profusely thanking me for all of my excellent teaching skills.  🙂

I wasn’t homeschooling because I was Wonder Woman and could maintain a pristine house, while serving three delicious meals a day, and being my children’s best or favorite teacher of their entire education.

I didn’t begin homeschooling because of my own abilities.  I began because God called.  I knew that if God calls, He also enables.  I have heard it said before that God doesn’t call the qualified.  God qualifies the called.

Homeschooling is not about me standing on the legs of my own abilities.  It is rather about me standing on the authority that God has given to me as His daughter and as the mother of my five children.  I take that responsibility seriously and also humbly.

The only reason why I can keep standing is because I stand on the legs of His authority, grace, and sufficiency, rather than my own.

Legalism Versus False Grace Versus Authentic Grace

(FreeImages.com/Krishken)

Legalism/Religion sees a person stuck in a pit and points out all the wrong choices that got them there, what they are doing wrong that is keeping them from getting out of the pit, and then instructs them on techniques and the best effort to get themselves out of the pit. It watches to see the repeatedly failed attempts and then tells the person in the pit why they (the person watching) never fell in the pit, reminding the person in the pit of their shame and failure and emphasizing their own (the person watching) “success.” Legalism/religion focuses on personal effort.

False grace sees the person stuck in the pit and says, “I don’t think you are in a pit. I think you look really good where you are. It’s no one’s right to tell you you are in a pit. That sounds like judgment! Let’s host a party and celebrate and show all of those religious people how wrong they are!” False grace never produces true freedom.

Authentic grace sees the person in the pit and says, “Hey, you want a hand up? It’s no fun being stuck in a pit; I should know — done that plenty of times. No more pits!!! You and me, we don’t belong there any more. Pits are too smelly, too confining, too soul-estrangling, too lacking in air. We were meant to be free!!!” Authentic grace is the hand reaching down to pull the imprisoned soul from the snare of bondage.

The Brave Voice

(FreeImages.com/GerardoAlvarez)

The woman, brushed back her brown hair, pensively looked at the computer screen one more time, and bravely wrote the words.  With a simple click of the mouse, her words were posted.  They were words, expressing something that she cared about and appreciated.  She had asked for feedback on her post, and she was not disappointed by the amount of comments she received.  They poured in.  The post had definitely “plucked a few strings.”

The feedback was very honest.  Some was super positive, some was very doubtful, some was skeptical, and some was clearly negative.  She had asked for honest feedback, and she had received it.

At first, some of the feedback stung.  The words were raw in their honesty.

As the woman read all of the comments, she realized that she could view the responses two ways: she could take them as rejection and/or harsh criticism, but that wouldn’t be fair because she had asked for honesty.  The other choice would be to feel honored that people felt safe enough to voice their opinions to her.

One commentator even apologized for voicing some skepticism, and she quickly assured that person that they should never apologize for having a voice.

Every day, we have these moments — these encounters with others — when we choose how we will respond to the voices around us…

Over the past year, I have been feeling called into this place of freedom — a place where I can have the courage to speak and to not feel it necessary to apologize for my voice.  …apologizing for my existence.

It is not a matter of being offensive with my voice because that would be a different matter.

It is a matter of answering this defining question: 

“How will you respond when the temptation is to shut down, to hide, to walk away from freedom because of the fear of the risk and the fear of rejection?”

Here are thoughts that I recently wrote:

“There is an enemy that wants us to apologize for existing, wants us to fade into the background, wants us to hide behind our fears and insecurities and rejection, wants us to not exist…

There is a Lover/Creator who keeps telling me to not apologize for being, thinking, believing, and feeling.

He keeps telling me that He placed His voice inside me, and that regardless of who agrees or doesn’t or who likes me or not, that I am to stand bravely and securely because I am unfathomably, completely, lavishly loved!

This entire past year, the Lord kept telling me, “[…], you know your freedom; now walk in it.”

It brings tears to my eyes every time I am made aware of how He is changing me, making me brave, helping me to become His warrior-princess!

Am I perfect? Far from it!

Do I make mistakes? Daily.

BUT, this I know: I am learning the freedom of being completely secure in eternal, unceasing, undeserved Love!

…and I am learning the beautiful humbling merits of His grace!

Grace… The Great Exchange!

(FreeImages.com/KaiNorneby)

It’s easier to talk grace more than live it, and living it is also about recognizing that God wants to use us now — even when we aren’t perfect.

We often want to wait until everything is scrubbed “clean,” but God wants to use us now. He says, “Give me your brokenness, and I will give you my wholeness.”

Grace is the great exchange.

It’s the recognition that I can’t, will never be enough, but I don’t have to. …because He was and is enough!

Grace is the freedom and security in knowing we don’t stand in our own merits and appearance of perfection. We stand in His merits and therein lies grace.

Grace is a position of victory because it is the supremacy of the cross over everything — every sin, every wound, every weakness.

Grace doesn’t excuse sin. It cancels sin’s power, and it cancels Satan’s burdens of shame and guilt. It puts it all where it belongs: at the foot of the cross.

So amazing and so beautiful!

The Soundtrack Of Our Minds

(FreeImages.com/KatinkaKober)

I have been reading through Me, Myself, and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  I knew it would be good, and I haven’t been disappointed.

In her book, Jennifer Rothschild said the following statement that really grabbed my attention:

The soundtrack in my thought closet wasn’t a running “Top 20” of God’s wonders and Word; it was my worries.

In her study book, Jennifer Rothschild asks the question, “What do worrying and meditating have in common?”

My answer was, “They are a thought process or consistent refrain that you reflect upon repeatedly.”

JR (Jennifer Rothschild) then asks the reader to describe worry.  I wrote the following:

“Worry is a fixation on  your circumstances, possible problems, and future, without fully considering the influence of God upon them.”

JR (Jennifer Rothschild) then says the following quote:

Worry is fixating or meditating on what if rather than what is.  Our English word worry comes from the Old English wyrgan and the Old High German wurgen.  Both mean “to strangle.”  When we worry, we choke out the life-giving truth that should be filling our thought closets.

One more powerful statement JR said is:

“Ruminating on the what ifs is an unhealthy way of meditating that invites fear.”

What is the anecdote to a soundtrack, filled with discordant sounds of turmoil and fear?  It is a soundtrack that is filled with the glories of God, His kindness, His compassion, His grace, His love…

Philippians 4:8 gives us some clear guidance as to what our thoughts should look like.  In summary (taken from a study guide from Me, Myself, and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild):

If it is true, I will meditate on it.

If it is honest, I will think about it today.

If it is just, I will dwell on it today.

If it is pure, I will fix my thoughts on it today.

If it is lovely, I will give it shelf space in my thought closet.

If it is of good report, I will meditate on it today.

If it is virtuous, I will let it be the soundtrack in my thought closet.

If it is full of praise, I will deliberate on it today.

So how should our soundtrack sound?  See the following verses:

Luke 4:22

²² So all bore witness to Him, and marveled at the gracious words which proceeded out of His mouth. And they said, “Is this not Joseph’s son?”

John 1:14

The Word Becomes Flesh

¹⁴ And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:17

¹⁷ For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

Our soundtrack should be permeated with grace and truth.

If I want to be like Christ, then I will be full of grace and truth.  If I am finding this to be a greater challenge than I anticipated, perhaps it’s time to ask myself how much I understand God — His nature and His thoughts towards me.

I leave us with one final thought:

We can look at our circumstances through the eyes of God, or we can look at God through the eyes of our circumstances.

The one view gives leads to peace and stability.  The other view leads to fear, insecurity, doubt, and lies.

Failing To Win

(FreeImages.com/BobSmith)

I have been reading the book, Go For No.  What an incredibly powerful book and so very eye-opening!

I, personally, have a side-business with sales.  I never thought I would see the day that I would be in sales.  In fact, in the past,  I turned down numerous opportunities to sell for several reasons: never thought it was “me,” never wanted to be seen as superficial (which a lot of sales’ people seem to be), and never wanted my business to get in between relationships with people.

All that changed when I joined a company that had products to help my son.  Desperate mommies do desperate things so I joined just for him to get some healthy products.  Over time, the business sort of found me.  People heard about how these products were helping my son, and before long, I had a small team.

Recognizing my team needed a strong leader, I dove into growing as a leader so I could be what my team needed.  Before long, I discovered I loved leading my team!  I loved supporting my team and helping them to realize and develop their strengths.

Then, I realized that my teaching skills could be put to use in teaching people about amazing products that do help people and that they need.  It became more than “selling” to people.  It became about helping people, and I was able to step out of my comfort zone and personal prejudices against selling.

As I grow within my business, I am learning some very important lessons about failing and success.  I am learning that failing is very much linked to our success.  In fact, in order to succeed, we have to first be willing to fail.

This is so powerful that I am going to restate it:

In order to succeed, we have to first be willing to fail.

The key to success is the tenacity to never give up, to understand that you have to fail and fail many times before you succeed. This is true for us with all of our humanness.

We are going to fail, but the difference between the winners and the losers is the winners never quit.

The failings don’t define the winners. On the other hand, the “losers” allow the failings to define them.  As a result, they live the life of failure instead of living the life of victory, as God intended.

Winners though understand that failings are opportunities to learn and grow, and failings are often necessary to win.

These truths are so powerful in a business, but what about in life?  How many times do we give up on people, on prayer, on God’s callings for our lives because we allow the “failings” of life to define life for us — rather than allowing the life God has given to us to define the failings? 

I know this can get complicated, but grace is the opportunity God gives to us to have a fresh start every day and throughout our day.  It is God’s opportunity for us to get up and to quit allowing our failings to define us.

Grace is the power of God to claim the victorious life that Grace already won for us on the cross!

Don’t let your failings define you; let grace — God’s grace — define you.  Grace means triumph.  It means triumph over sin, our brokenness, our weakness, our failings, and our fears.

Save

Do It Broken

(FreeImages.com/MichelleRau)

As I was sitting in bed this morning with my journal, Bible, and a devotional, the words began to pour out, and the tears began to fall.  Before long, I was scrambling for my pen to jot down the thoughts God was giving me — thoughts about brokenness and grace…

I was reflecting back on how so many times I have wondered why God would entrust me with five precious children to raise when I am far from perfect.  I am not the most patient person.  Loud noises and lots of activity stress me.  Chaos and messes annoy me.  I get easily stressed over crazy busyness and never-ending activities.  The humor in this is all the above often describes my life.

I seem like the most unlikely choice to being a mom of five kids.  Was it all one big cosmic mistake, or ignorance on my part?  Does that mean my kids and I are relegated to just “muck through” the rest of life until they are out of the home, and I can be back in my comfy place again?

In answer to those questions, I will share thoughts God has been teaching me and what I want to share with you today…

Religion often teaches us that God waits until we get it all right before He uses us.

Grace is about God using us — not even in spite of our imperfections — but sometimes because of them.  Why?  Because when we are broken, we are pliable — more apt to be yielded and teachable.

Grace is God taking our brokenness and making something beautiful with the pieces.  He puts the pieces of our lives together, and it forms a beautiful piece of art.  It tells a whole new story.

I wrote the following words to the leaders on my business team.  Within our business, we are often required to stretch beyond our feelings, and the following words were to encourage them: (I think they just might encourage a few of you.)

I wanted to share some words of encouragement to you this Tuesday morning. We all go through times when we doubt ourselves and when we don’t feel completely “on top of our game.” The tendency is to then “hang back” and wait for that future time when we feel more successful or like we have it together before attempting to pursue our dreams. In other words, we want our dream before we pursue it. The truth is we have to pursue our dream before we find it.

I am going to blog about this shortly, but I wanted to post this note I wrote to an ambassador for all of you. I am hoping there might be a word of encouragement in it for you…

“I want to tell you, it’s okay to do life ‘broken.’ You don’t have to wait to live life or pursue your dreams until you ‘feel’ them. The best advice I can give you is to ‘do it scared’ and do it broken.

Grace acknowledges our brokenness — not to worship the brokenness — but to give glory to the Supremacy of the cross over our brokenness.

The power of the cross is the fact that God sees you not as you are but as Christ is!!!

Grace is the cross!

Grace is God’s ability to take our anguish, our brokenness, and our failings and to use us still. It is God’s ability to use imperfection and make it perfect because of the User.

The key is our surrender. We surrender to Him and quit trying to be all perfect before He can use us.

He uses us not in spite of our brokenness, but He uses even through and because of our brokenness itself to accomplish His purposes.”

And I want to cry right there…!

I am going to repeat this powerful statement once again:

Grace acknowledges our brokenness — not to worship the brokenness — but to give glory to the Supremacy of the cross over our brokenness.

So often, we get this idea that grace is slapping a “happy face” sticker over the world’s ills and telling everyone, “You’re great where you are.  Just be happy.”

The reality is Grace sees the depths of our anguish and brokenness and then says, “Give it to me, and I will take your brokenness and give you My Wholeness.  Your brokenness will become My wholeness because I will take those broken pieces, and I will bring healing to them and make them whole.”

Today, as you return to your chaotic world and the reminders of your own brokenness, I want to encourage you to stop looking at the brokenness and start looking at the cross.

The cross is a picture of brokenness and wholeness that melded into One Perfect Being so that you and I have a future, a calling, a tangible peace, an inexplicable joy, and an eternal hope that is a reality!!!

Give God your brokenness because He wants to weld His wholeness to it.

What The Cross Really Represents…

(FreeImages.com/StephenDavies)

This struck me so powerfully this morning:

Unfathomable evil intersected with unfathomable grace at the cross.

And I am undone… because this. challenges me. to forgive. to love, even the unlovable. to “fellowship” with those who don’t yet understand their value to God. to be patient. because what looks like too far or too low looks like something completely different to God.

Sometimes, it means I need to get a little dirty because grace takes the ugly and wraps it up in the garments of love.

A Letter To The New Mom…

(This is a revision of a letter I recently wrote to a new mom.  I decided to post it as I am sure that there are many new moms that are feeling overwhelmed and may need this encouragement today.)

Dear New Mommy,

I remember those early days with three little boys, ages 3 and under. I tried so hard to put on a brave front, to be cheerful, patient with my boys, and hopeful, but I remember at times, I was screaming on the inside.

How could I meet all of their needs — when they needed me all at the same time?  They were too young to understand the need to be patient and to wait.

I didn’t know motherhood could be so incredibly difficult! I didn’t know it would bring me to the “end of myself” and would make me wonder if I would ever find myself again — whoever that might be.

BUT GOD…

God was not immune to my struggles…

Later, I asked God about those dark days. I asked Him with trembling and tearful words, “God, where were you when I felt so alone?” God answered me with this picture of me sitting in the rocking chair, holding my two babies (a time I remember very well when I felt so alone and overwhelmed). I was not sitting there alone though because what I didn’t realize at the time was that He was there, right there with me, and holding me. My little boys and I were cradled in His arms.

I asked God about this picture He was giving me: “Lord, I have a great imagination. How can I be sure this is You and not me?” God then brought these words to my mind, “As a mother comforts her children so I will comfort you.” I looked it up, and sure enough, there is a verse in the Bible that mentions this.

Isaiah 66:13: “As one whom his mother comforts,
So I will comfort you…”

These days are overwhelming, but as a mother who has been through a lot of the same struggles, may I tell, “You can survive.”  

Why?  Because you have courage, a heart of love for your kids, and you have a God who does see, care, and hear. He doesn’t ask you to walk this alone. His grace truly is grace for the moment…

Someday, you will look back on these days, and you will remember the lisping voices of your toddler, the toothless baby grins that melt your heart, and the inquisitive questions of a child that believes you know all the answers to the universe.  Someday, you will truly know that it was all worth it.  Yes, even the most soul-wrenching and physically-draining day was worth those moments when you had the privilege of being someone’s mother… to hold the heart of a child within the embrace of your arms.

Hugs, dear one…